I hate this horrible empty feeling --- it doesnt' go away, and no matter what's on the outside of me...this hole on the inside feels like an open wound. It takes effort to get through a day...to force the lonely, heartbroken thoughts out of my head so that I can manage my way through each moment... it's work and I'm tired. The last couple days I have just been exhausted emotionally. I don't know if it's because Christmas is so near...and the thought of going through the motions without him...it just doesn't seem possible. I will miss the excited light in his eyes Christmas eve and his laughter mixed with the kids' Christmas morning, as he played with them and their new stuff. Yes, I'm sure it's that...it's the missing him all the time...missing something about him every moment...all the mundane things he made brighter and tolerable. My life with David was so good it feels like a dream...and now without him is so empty, it feels like a nightmare. I have so many questions...and no answers. I will go to bed tonight and try to shut my mind off so that I can sleep...and just like I have done for years... I will say "Goodnight sweetie, love you bunches" ...the silence I get in return will make my heart ache and I will cry myself to sleep....again.