..it's the way I describe every time I have a memory and realize that he won't be here for more...it's the way I feel when the phone rings and I think it's him, then realize it can't be...it feels like the wind has been knocked out of me...and it HURTS...like being punched in the stomach. Today was looking to be the first day without tears...even sharing memories with Victoria while setting up the Santa Shop at school, and thinking out loud of how hard Christmas is going to be without him...even through that I managed to hold it together. I made it until just before putting the kids to bed tonight...then the punch in the stomach came. I was taking all of the paperwork out of Brady's folder, like I do for both kids every night, and making sure that nothing "new" had to be addressed for tomorrow...and there it is..penciled neatly on notebook paper. Brady had written a letter to David. As an assignment he had to write a letter to a hero and he chose his Dad. This is what he wrote: November 30, 2007 Dear David, I'm writing to you because you're my hero. I really miss you. Hope you're having fun. I'll miss you doing sled riding. I wish you were here for the new games I got. I really miss you. Your Son, Brady So, here we are over 3 months past his death and I still have yet to get through a day without a breakdown. My heart aches so much for our kids. I hurt so much over my loss - but seeing our kids hurting is just about unbearable. I adore them and I HATE that they have to go through this. I am so overwhelmed with emotion at times I feel like I'm losing my mind. The further we go on the more unfair it seems. I feel like time should have stopped when his heart did...and when mine broke. I know I have said it a thousand times if not more in the past 11 years..but words can not describe the love David and I shared. He was such a good friend to me and I miss the fun we had....I'm so tired of being sad...I want him back... Maybe tomorrow will be the day without tears?