Beyond 10 years since our world was forever changed and many occasions I've tried to wrap my mind around the reality that I don't "feel better" about our situation...that I've not "moved on" like so many folks have felt the need to tell me to do. How does it still hurt so much? How does it still give me a chest-crushing feeling, like the air is being sucked out of me, any time that I let my mind go to that precarious edge where it wrestles with the knowledge that this separation is permanent? I have to pull myself back from that edge, or I just might tumble off, into an abyss of eternal sadness. It's such a scary, completely unnerving, suffocating, and overwhelmingly helpless feeling... and so truly hard to put into words. It's a place my mind goes that I have to physically force myself to draw back from, to not think about too long, for fear that I will be lost in my loss forever.  I have often wondered exactly how does one "move on" from this and is there something wrong with me because I haven't? This journey has taught me that the loss of a true love is nothing like other things from which we move on. I've broken bones, and they've healed. I've even broken a leg so badly it needed surgically repaired with hardware, and yet within a couple months I had "moved on" and was back to playing softball. This is so not the case with my broken heart, for it remembers. It doesn't need a weather change or strenuous activity to remind me that it was broken...for it remembers, still, every single moment of every single day. With every breath, it remembers. Years pass by, and it still remembers. It remembers the love, the union, and the soul connection that transcends this life. So I've come to understand that there is no "moving on", that this is my my existence, my permanent reality. My life without my soulmate. No going back, no moving on. For the memory, the ache, the love, it does not go away, it does not move on, it just stays...still.