I have had such a hard time going to church. It has always been such a special place to us. David started going to Mass with me at IC when we were dating. Then we went as an engaged couple, as newlyweds, as expectant parents, and as parents. With over 11 years of attending church together, so many memories were made there. I made my First Confirmation (as an adult RCIA student since I didn't complete CCD when I was younger) while David and I were engaged. It was such a good feeling having him there. Then we were married there, our babies were Baptized there, Brady made his First Communion there...and David's funeral was there. So many memories. So I suppose it's no wonder that it's difficult to sit in the pew with a kid on each side of me...but no David on the end. He would always sit on the outside because he couldn't tuck his feet in when the kneelers were down, so he'd poke them out in the side aisle. I always felt so blessed to be there standing next to him and I looked forward to the part of Mass where we offered the sign of peace. He would always bend down and give me a kiss and say "Peace be with you Sweetie" -man I miss that. The kids and I returned to Mass 2 weeks after he died. That first was a hard one. The kids stayed huddled close to me. Brady whispers to me "Mommy, we have a big empty spot" as he points to the space to the left of him where David always sat. I also remember Marilyn Morgan, after seeing her after church. She said she didn't realize we were there because she didn't see - and then she hesitated....because she didn't see David's head towering over the others. She always looked for that big bald head above everyone else. Now we don't stand out...we just mix in with the crowd. Except today, I didn't feel that way today. I felt like I was wearing neon. The last song was "Eagle's Wings". I have always loved this song. It's the one song from church that I would frequently catch myself singing around the house. It was a definite choice when it came to our wedding ceremony song options. I requested it again as part of his funeral service. So when I heard that song this morning...I nearly lost it. All these memories came rushing back at once...I could see myself, on my Dad's arm, walking down the aisle to David, knowing I had never been so sure about anything in my life... I could see myself sitting in the front pew, shaking uncontrollably, feeling I would collapse...thinking of him there in that casket... All this came rushing back with powerful force during that song this morning...it was just too much..the tears overflowed. Brady wrapped his arms around me and rested his head on my shoulder and Emily gently rubbed my arm. So then I am moved by their love and concern for their Mom, which just brought more tears. Another day on the edge. Wondering if I'll ever be able to back away from it...or will I eventually just topple over the edge? .....Only time will tell. Guess it's all about time, or the lack of. I guess church was not my refuge today. God I miss you David.